The Things That Come Out of My Mouth

Life with 10+ kids means you hear yourself saying things out loud that seem odd. Exceptionally odd. Things like, "No, I have never thought about what it would be like to drink my own pee," or "Do not let her take that dead mole to school." Then you will hear yourself asking many strange questions and you will get no legitimate answers. Things like "Why are their tennis shoes in the freezer?," "Whose underpants are in the driveway?"or "Why would you invite boys to your slumber party without asking me first?" You will have to explain things that should need no explanation. Such as, "You can't put a ham sandwich in your pants pocket," or "There is no such 'thing' as a love stab." This book is a compilation filled with the actual "Things That Came Out Of My Mouth" and real life stories, complete with photographic evidence, that opens the door to my world where you can take a brief glimpse into my funny life with all these kids. These wonderful children who, on the verge of adulthood, will lie to my face about whether or not they have brushed their teeth in the last 4 days and cannot recall the last time they showered. The same children who will tape a panti liner to their shin because they are too lazy to look for a band aid. This hilarious book is appropriate for anyone of any age and guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. "Listen- just use the lice comb to get the poop out of the tiny crevices and then wash it off and put it back in the secret drawer." "Oh please, please God in heaven, let him puke on the tile just this once." "Yes, people who spend an hour in the bathroom so they can pluck the hair off their knees with tweezers are generally thought to be weird." "You are in the fourth grade. There is no such thing as a 'serious relationship'." "I am almost sure that we are the only people in the world to use your Dad's nose trimmers to cut the umbilical cord from a kitten." "Is someone eventually going to tell me what happened to the mirror that used to be hanging here?" "You cannot just put an upside down paper plate over the dog poop and consider it 'cleaned up '" "I find it just ridiculous that when I ask you to do something simple you have to roll around the floor in the fetal position faking a seizure." "A parent should never, ever have to say, 'Get the watermelon out of your pants.' Ever " "I swear, I have the only child in the world that goes poop and comes out of the bathroom to announce to everyone that you have 'released the Kracken'." "Hellboy" is NOT a good Christmas movie." "Don't shut the cats head in the door just to 'teach it a lesson'. You can't teach cats anything." "Sweetheart, are you absolutely SURE you want to dress as "Captain Underpants" for school?" "No, no, no... you are not going to gather up all the different animal poop and compare which ones stinks the worst. Besides, the answer is cat poop." "Wake up now. I know it's 8 am but wake up and help me in the front yard with this garage sale before I kill your Grandma. She is driving me crazy and I haven't had any coffee yet. No, I'm serious, get up now. Grandma's life may depend on it." "No, Uncle Kevin is not allowed to pee in the yard just because he is a boy. Why, have you seen him do that? No, do not answer me, I really don't want to know."