Someone is Always Missing - And other poems

Eli entered the world purple and there was always something blue in his complexion. He was jaundiced as well so the doctor said to leave him in sunlight to kickstart his liver. The yellow vanished, the bluish tinge stayed with him. I thought he was a happy baby, but noticed he was smaller than his older brothers when they were his age. He also did not acquire mechanical skills as fast. At six months he started to regress and had trouble keeping food down. At first it was dismissed as the flu, but a visit to the doctor prompted an emergency visit to a pediatrician which prompted an emergency visit to the Children's Hospital in Vancouver. That was when I discovered he was blind and deaf. He was born without the enzyme to break down carbohydrates which resulted in a build up of lactic acid in his body - like when you are running full out and you feel a terrible pain in your abdomen. The doctors never made a definitive diagnosis but one doctor dumped an article in my lap describing the symptoms of "Leigh's Disease" which seemed to explain Eli's ailments. After two months in hospital he came home. The doctor told us he would probably die within a few months. He died in my arms two months later. He was almost 11 months old. It was not much of a life but as my cousin David Roback wrote - "He left quite a wake." That he did. Twenty four years later I am still not over it. I never will be. I do not know if Eli's life and death made me a better and more empathetic person but I am certainly more aware of the suffering and the frailities of others. It also brought into focus how fragile we are in nature and how temporary is our time on earth. What saddens me greatly is that Eli never had the opportunity to enjoy simple things like a sunset or a rainbow or the sound of laughter. I think what happened to Eli is so unfair - but life is unfair. I would see the older three sons running around the yard and wonder why Eli never had the chance to enjoy being a child. To all the other parents who have lost a child - perhaps you will especially understand.