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As far back as I can remember, I've always had to know the reason for my existence. Why I am here. What my purpose in life is. It's always been at the forefront of my mind. It's as if I have to know my purpose so I can make sure I don't fail at it. Whatever the case, determining my reason for being put on this planet has always been a daily goal. Some people never worry or think about this aspect of their lives. They just take each day as they come and whatever happens they assume is their purpose. I'm exactly the opposite. As of the completion of this story, I am forty-five years old and have been officially diagnosed with mental illnesses for the last twenty-one years. Unfortunately, mental illness runs in the family, and it did not pass me over, at all. It hit me hard. My bipolar depression took me to the darkest depths that I never imagined even existed. I've been balled up on the couch for days, crying non-stop, refusing to face the world. I've felt lost and helpless in a psychiatric unit numerous times. I've created a mask to cover up what was going on inside my mind. I've told people I was okay when I knew I wasn't. I've cast my depression aside simply because I didn't want to admit that I couldn't overcome it on my own. My bipolar mania would take me on a crash course through six states, from Arizona all the way to Mississippi. The mania would sink its roots deep into my brain, gaining total control of my emotions and choices, and eventually gaining total control of every second and every aspect of my life. For ten days I would succumb to the power of this disorder. It would transform me into nothing more than a shell of a human. At the end of those ten days, I would have a total of nine felonies and four different law enforcement agencies searching for me. From my brother's suicide to my father's suicide. From me threatening an Army officer and going AWOL, to jail and the state hospital and life afterwards. This is the very detailed and very personal story of my struggle to find my purpose, while also struggling with mental illnesses. My hope is that it may help others understand and conquer their own mental hardships and at the same time possibly bring mental health to the forefront of societal issues. Thanks for your consideration and good day to you and yours. *50% of all proceeds will go towards providing reading and activity material as well as pizza parties and such to patients at the North Little Rock, AR Veteran's 3K Psych Ward)
