Halfwit Nation

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including:* People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction* Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs* Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus* Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report* UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'* Free bank with every new mobile* Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches* Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans* Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology'Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. Butthere's a much bigger chance you won't').Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish'- Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton