Enlightenment for Nitwits

This is the first metaphysical/self-help humor collection. It is full of hilarious one-liners and mind-bending pieces on a wide range of subjects: - My Toilet Runneth Over- A Lesson in Impatience- Breatharians & Sun Gazers- Bed Death & Beyond- Outsourcing & UFOs- This Just in from God: - It's Not Easy Being An Old Soul- The Tao Travel Agency- Politics & Naked Shopping- Lipstick on Pig Splotches- Poetry Slammed- Potty Training Your Inner Child- Self-Confidence for Total Losers- Do-It-Yourself Near-Death ExperiencesAnd more!It features an Afterword by God: Let There Be Light Already! Each of its forty-one short chapters is introduced with a funny blurb and photograph. This is a book you will keep handy to savor whenever you need an infusion of joy.COVER BLURBSNow you can achieve enlightenment without doing absolutely any work on yourself whatsoever!"Funniest book in the last two billion years! Frankly, I enjoyed it more than the Bible."-GOD, Creator of the UniverseThe Keys to Life are yours for the price of a cheap paperback!Many seekers have trod the difficult path to enlightenment, giving up everything and going through hell-Not only is a trip to the Himalayas expensive, but you have to hike through yak poo to remote villages with no Wi-Fi.Now you can reach the highest states of consciousness possible to humanity without missing a single text message. And even Walmart couldn't beat the price if it hired all the sadhus in India to toil in sweatshops for ten cents an hour to bring you the secrets of the Universe. This book is everything you need to ascend into the stratosphere of spiritual mastery!More Acclaim for Enlightenment for Nitwits"Heck of a job, Hoodie! Of course, I didn't need this book because I was already enlightened, but I'm sure it will help a lot of other people. Keep up the good work!"-GEORGE W. BUSH, former owner, Texas Rangers"Thousands of candles can be lit from this single book. But read it first."-THE BUDDHA, inventor of enlightenment"Wickedly funny. Something to offend everyone!"-SATAN, Prince of Darkness and leading cable news producer"We are not amused. However, Prince Harry laughed his arse off."-Her Royal Majesty QUEEN ELIZABETH IIMORE TESTIMONIALS"I love Enlightenment for Nitwits! It is the funniest book I have read in several decades. If laughter leads to enlightenment, it will certainly do it. Nothing-thank God-is sacred in this delightful spoof on life in general."-C. Norman Shealy, M.D., author of Life Beyond 100Enlightenment for Nitwits made me see God. I never would have guessed She wears so much makeup."-Jeffrey Briar, California"That filthy homosexual Zionist infidel swine Shepherd Hoodwin caused me to laugh so hard it almost made me want to forsake being a servant of Allah and become a comedian. May Allah punish him when he dies by greeting him with seventy-two voluptuous virgins. It would serve him right."-Ayman al-Zawahri, leading terrorist"Thanks to this book, I made a 360 degree turn in my life. ... It has it all: brilliant punctuation, scintillating paragraph breaks, & ampersands to die for."-Stan Grindstaff, editor"Draino for the Soul."-Joe the Plumber"Every star in rehab wants a copy. Hotter than the iPhone Pro Max combined!"-LONDON HILTON, celebrity/hotel "I would have peed in my pants if I had been wearing any."-Meredith Bernhardt, Massachusetts