Dying Inside

Childhood can be so very difficult! What is supposed to be a period in one's life defined by innocence and happiness can alternately become a living nightmare for unlucky souls. Imagine being in foster care. Imagine not feeling loved or connected to anyone. Imagine lonely Christmases, birthdays, Mothers' Days, and Fathers' Days. Imagine suffering through the trauma associated with repeated physical, psychological, and even sexual abuse at the hands of your supposed caretakers, while simultaneously seeking and longing for the love and devotion a young child deserves. The accounts documented within these chapters are based in part on the actual life experiences endured by a foster child who vividly remembers much of the pain associated with being little more than a number in the system. While it is not uncommon for young children to repress traumatic memories, this child remembers many details as well as the cruelty imposed by the people who were supposed to be her 'family.' She remembers her overwhelming feelings of loneliness while waiting for her birth mother to show up for the protected visits. She often waited for long periods while weeping, rocking back and forth, and self-soothing by sucking her fingers. Unfortunately, on many occasions, her mother never followed through on her promises. The disappointment this young girl endured was often overwhelming. She further remembers being sexually abused by multiple men, both before going into protective custody and afterwards. She will never forget being locked in the bathroom for days, the verbal abuse, all of her prayers, and the tears she constantly shed. So many memories. Yes, she remembers everything.