Drug Smuggler's Guide to Dating

There are not a lot of options for a college dropout in the hollers of Appalachia.

Let's face it, there aren't a lot of options for a college graduate in the hollers of Appalachia either.

But this is America, and the Dream is always possible. If you're bold enough, and brave enough, to take life by the short and curlies, you can make it in America.

That's what Jack has always been taught. At least that's what his drug-addled mind tells him he's been taught. And by his estimation, he has a solid partner, a solid plan, and a solid alibi. Nothing can stop him; not the Cops, not the Federales, not his prodigious drug habit, nothing. He is making his own way in this world: today a drug mule, tomorrow a drug kingpin.

The sky is the limit.

This is, of course, one of the many lies we tell ourselves when we're smuggling narcotics across international borders. Unless we forgot to take our valium. In that case, the drug dogs at the checkpoint are really freaking us out. And we can't help but ask, in these types of situations, the age-old questions faced by many a desperado: Which is worse - Mexican or American jail? And why haven't I found a girlfriend?

Join Jack as he searches for answers to these questions and lies about himself and the American dream. Come along on this hilarious adventure and exposition of demons, drugs, and debauchery that may very well shape the course of his life forever. This may be the closest you can come to being a drug smuggler without risking prison, American or Mexican.



Based entirely on true lies that were told to me in the utmost 

of confidence.