Arsetrology

Forget the crystal ball - predicting the future is all about the toilet bowl. ''Arsetrology'' is a groundbreaking new book which uncovers the hidden depths of your number twos, using the ancient art of poo-reading.

If horoscopes and palm-reading are driving you round the u-bend, then panic no more. Sit down, relax, do your thing - and then proudly gaze upon what you have produced to discover what the future has in store. Examine the shape, look and texture of your crap - and then match it up to one of the ''poo runes'' to read the long and short of what your shit means.

''Arsetrology'' will be your indispensable guide to dropping the kids off at the pool. Put it by your throne, and refer to it every time you get the call of nature, to stay one step ahead of the game. Understand your life through the lav, and never underestimate the turd''s telling powers again.