A Letter to My Former Self

What do you think you know about abusive relationships? Only a fragile, powerless woman would stay in an abusive relationship. A woman who stays with her abuser lacks intelligence. She is weak, and that's why she allows herself to be abused. She puts up with it partly because she feels she has no choice, and partly because she is too ashamed to admit that it's happening to her. It doesn't matter if a woman seems to be strong and in control of her life. If she stays with her abuser, it's her own choice. She should just leave. If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave? Right? Wrong. An abusive man must have had an abusive father. Only men who see their fathers strike their mothers grow up to do that. A man like that can't control his rage. He's charming one minute and a monster the next. Right? Not always. How do intelligent, competent people end up in violent, abusive relationships? We learned, after we'd come through our violent courtship and marriage, that the foundation was set early for both of us. Both of us, in our own particular dysfunctional way, found the partner who mirrored the way we felt about ourselves at the time. This is the story of two people who lost their way...and found it again. This is a road map for those who are struggling in an abusive relationship, with the assurance that if both sides are willing to work, there is a way out. This is not a story about waiting and hoping for the abusive person to change. We learned that in order for our lives to be different, we both had to make different choices or nothing would ever get better. We went through this nightmare, and now we are speaking to you from the other side.