A.D. - After Discovery Life as the Wife of a Sex Addict

There is a subtle little twist of the knife with the statement that my husband is "sober" for x months now. It sounds so dry, and constrained and deprived. Sorry in advance to anyone successful with AA, if that's hurtful. Now the incredible luxury of exploring all our capacity for pleasure together is "sober"? My ex said a few times, "I know the only healthy sex is with you" and "I know it's more constructive to come to you instead of them (his harem of courtesans)" and "I want our family, so I'll just be with you." I am now the granola instead of the caviar? I am the spirulina smoothie instead of the French pastry? I am the prescribed fiber of physicality, the creamy butter is not allowed? Hell no. In the early days of our marriage, I made the naive mistake of describing the marriage bed as a banquet of pleasures. Ironically enough, this was actually at the end of a discussion Reese initiated, saying he wished that the grocery stores didn't put those seductive magazine covers at a grocery checkout, it was like soft porn Maybe he was fishing to see if I knew yet. I said then I always wondered why a virile man would choose to use porn, why would he be satisfied with an appetizer like that, just a tease? How little I knew, right? Reese, of course, spouted off his scripted line that porn was a travesty and the men who viewed it were supporting an abusive and immoral industry. This is vanity on my part, maybe. No couple is enthralled with each other sexually forever. But, to have access to my sensuality and sexuality in the same category as being "on the wagon" for the rest of his life, I would never, ever feel the same about making love again. I didn't. I couldn't. Knowing that my husband was STRUGGLING his entire life to only make love to me absolutely crushed my libido. I am vain enough to be unable to accept that. Whether that is wrong or right I don't know. But, it hurts me to hear the "sobriety" comment for any of us. Damn it, we're goddesses, and being our partners is a privilege beyond compare. In my world, the sexual "oops" is getting caught in the office with your husband. Being late for work too many times because you just couldn't leave the bedroom. A "toy" falling out of the luggage on your way to an exotic vacation. I fully intended for us both to be completely and totally intoxicated. None of this "sobriety" will do. This is my story . . . .